If you have not seen season 4, episode 2 of Game of Thrones, the one with the royal wedding, for the luva God, DON’T READ ON.
I’m assuming you’ve stopped reading now. I no longer claim any responsibility for any spoilers.
Since Sunday night’s epic Game of Thrones episode, I have wanted to talk about little else. My favorite topic of conversation for the last two days has been simply: Who done it??
There’s a whole list of people who want King Joffrey Baratheon dead–basically, everyone except his mother. I’ve compiled a list of the folks I find most likely to have poisoned the brat king. In ascending order of likelihood:
8. Cersei Lannister. Yes, I just said she’s the only person in Westeros who doesn’t want her son dead. but I’ve heard too many wonderings about her to leave her off the list. She would absolutely want to frame her brother Tyrion, who looks like he’s going to spend the rest of the season in the dungeons. She has less control over Joff than ever, in part due to his age and attitude, in part due to the fact that he’s the king and his asshole’ness has increased a billion, in part due to new queen Margaery. Cersei has previously declared that she wishes she had been born a man because women have no power, and she has enjoyed the power she’s had as queen regent. Margaery and Joffrey produced no heirs in the two hours they were wed, and in all likelihood, Cersei will regain the throne until her younger son, Prince Tommen, comes of age. (I’m very looking forward to seeing who is in charge next.) Despite all this, I contend that Joffrey is the only happiness in Cersei’s life. It wasn’t her. Chances that she offed her son: 1:1,000
7. Sansa Stark. Of every name on this list, Sansa Stark as the most reasons for wanting the Prince of Death dead: Beheading her father. Joking about the murder of her brother ALL THE TIME. And her mother. Trying to witness the bedding ceremony for her marriage to a man she doesn’t remotely love or ever want to bed. Being treated as a general play thing in liu of a human being. Alas, Sansa doesn’t have the balls to do anything but sit there and look frightened. Chances that she offed her ex-fiance: 1: 600
6. Maester Pycelle. In The Game of Thrones, nothing is as it seems. I won’t go so far as to say Bran warg’ed in on Reek, who slayed the new king in secret, but I do think a left-field character is a possible assassin. I keep remembering the scene back from season one or two of Pycelle dismissing a whore from his room, to drop down and do some pushups or other exercise that made him look about a hundred years younger. After, he grabbed his walking stick and hobbled away like a cripple. Pycelle is a major yes-man, but dude is hiding something. Also, as a maester, he would absolutely have access to the kind of poison necessary to make you bleed out your eyeballs. Chances that he offed the king: 1:550
5. Lady Olenna. Currently my favorite character in the Game, Lady Olenna is whip smart and crafty. Hers is the only mind that could go head-to-head with Tywin, the man who puppeteered the Red Wedding from afar. As such, she would be able to orchestrate something as public as a wedding murder without being caught. Clearly, she wouldn’t want her granddaughter to wed such a monster, and she forshadowed Joffrey’s death to Sansa: “Killing a man at a wedding … horrid. What kind of monster would do something like that?” A sly admission of guilt? Perhaps. Alas, when Joffrey began to choke, Lady Olenna was one of the first to call for help. And she’s a power player. As much of a monster as Joffrey is, Lady Olenna knows what it would mean for her beloved granddaughter to birth his babies. Chances that she offed her grandson-in-law: 1:500
4. Margaery Tyrell. God, what kind of dread must have filled this woman as her wedding night approached? We’ve seen what Joffrey does to the whores Uncle Tyrion and Littlefinger provide. I’m not convinced Joffrey had any kind of sex drive whatsoever, a kind of evildoer Sheldon of Westeros. I’m not sure of the royal rules of King’s Landing, but Margaery has said before that she doesn’t want to be a queen–she wants to be the queen. When the king dies and the queen has not provided a royal heir, does she get to takeover? Alas, Margaery gets her smarts from her grandmother, and she knows that watching her second king husband die will not bode well for her. Chances that she offed her husband: 1:250
3. Prince Oberyn Martell. The man arrived at King’s Landing and declared that he was there to kill people. Seems a little too obvious for George R.R., but in terms of my list, this is where shit starts to get real. Oberyn’s beloved sister Elia and her two kids were murdered by Gregor Clegan, aka The Mountain, likely on Tywin Lannister’s orders during Robert’s Rebellion. Elia had been hanging out in King’s Landing with her baby daddy Rhaegar, Mad King Aerys’ son and Daenerys Targaryen’s older brother. Oberyn swore revenge. Murdering Tywin’s king grandson would certainly count. Chances that he offed a Lannister: 1: 50
2. Ser Dontos. In the first episode of this season, Ser Dontos, the fool and former knight, and Sansa had one of the sweetest, saddest interactions in the Game. Back in season 2, Sansa saved Dontos from Joffrey, and he did not forget this kindness. While his family has dissolved into drunks and fools, he knew one of the last honors to be bestowed upon his family would be if Lady Sansa, the king’s kind aunt, would wear his mother’s necklace. During the wedding, as the Death of the Joff began, Ser Dontos did not miss a beat; he ran to Sansa and got all Kyle Reese on her with the King’s Landing version of, “Come with me, if you want to live!” Dontos is an underdog in all ways, and I’m not sure he’s smart enough, or sober enough, to consider the consequences should be be found out. Plus, when Joffrey began to choke, Dontos was one of two people who did not seem surprised. Chances the fool offed his king: 1:10. The other person who did not seem surprised?
1. Tywin Lannister. The hand of the king spent all of season two writing letters while, unbeknownst to him, a Stark girl fetched his water. A season later, Rob got stabbed, Catelyn got her throat slit, and Tywin continued to glare and look sinister. This kind of plotting is this man’s forte. Desperate to keep the Lannisters in power, Tywin would want his sniveling grandson dead before he could father a Lannister-Tyrell baby, giving a much smarter, much more beloved player–Margaery–a better hand in this jacked up game of poker. Tyrell clearly doesn’t care a lick for his family, as he wed Tyrion off to Sansa and betrothed Cersei to the Knight of the Gay Flowers, Loras–both to much protestations. To assure his family remains on the throne, Tywin would not want the weakest member to take the seat. Seven gods know Prince Tommon would be much easier to manipulate, both for his age and his temperament. Chances he offed his grandson: 1:3
Now, in the land of George R.R. Martin, nothing is ever as it seems, which means it is most likely that NONE of the above characters killed Joffrey.
Obviously, it was Hodor.
I want your thoughts in the comments! If you’re read ahead in the books, SAY NOTHING.